I went to a doctor

I saw a psychiatrist in June.

I want to document this because I think it's important and because I want my own record of it. My GP referred me in May, when I finally admitted to someone other than my notepad that something had been happening to me for ten months. She listened. She wasn't dismissive. She said what she'd say to any patient in my position: there's a professional who can help you make sense of this.

The psychiatrist I saw is, by all accounts, well-regarded. I'm not going to name her. Her manner was calm and professional. She asked good questions. I told her, as clearly as I could, about the transmissions. She listened. She asked about sleep, about stress, about family history. I have no relevant family history. My sleep is fine.

She diagnosed me with "intrusive thought disorder, possibly OCD-spectrum." She wrote me a prescription for an SSRI and suggested weekly sessions.

I filled the prescription.

Within three weeks, the signal stopped.

That is not a hyperbole. It stopped. Completely. The ongoing sense of something vast and cycling and important - just gone. My head was quiet in a way it hadn't been in almost a year. My GP was pleased. My psychiatrist was pleased. I got through parent-teacher interviews without feeling like the room had a second floor nobody could see.

I was not pleased.

Here is what I kept coming back to: the experience of not receiving the signal was the experience of loss. That is the only word for it. Like something had been illuminating a room and the light went out. Like standing at an observation deck with a perfect view and then someone draws the blind.

I know how this sounds. I know this is exactly what someone in the grip of a delusional episode would say. The belief that the psychotic thinking is valuable, that the psychiatrist is suppressing something important - this is a classic feature of certain disorders. I've read enough abnormal psychology to know that.

I thought about it for two weeks.

Then I stopped taking the medication.

I didn't make this decision lightly. I made it after sitting with the quiet every day and asking myself: is this better? Is this clearer? Is this what health feels like?

The answer, every day, was no.

The signal came back within a week of stopping the prescription. It came back with more detail than before, as if it had been accumulating while I wasn't listening.

I'm not recommending this course of action to anyone. I'm a physics teacher, not a psychiatrist. I'm documenting what happened and what I chose. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

But I'm going to keep listening.